During the holidays, as always, parents need to view the world through their children’s eyes. Every decision should consider how the children will handle it. If this is the first time the children are spending Christmas with only one of their parents, then the parents should be sensitive to that aspect. A child might worry about the parent they are not with. Take that worry away by giving the children a united, joint message. “Mom and I are so excited that you are going to be having Christmas with her this year! And then with me for New Years!”
Do not compete. Talk about presents you are giving the children; set boundaries for yourselves and your families. It might surprise you how many kids get duplicate gifts and/or more gifts than normal. Focus on what is best for the child you are raising – not being the “favorite” or “better” parent.
If you are a family that travels for the holidays, then consider how the travel is going to be for the children. If you share the December break, then it might not be good for a child to travel to/from one destination only to get right back on a plane/in a car to travel to a second destination. I’ve seen great co-parents plan together, so that they can minimize travel for children – be like that. I’ve been known to encourage parents to alternate the entire December break so that kids don’t have to do any back-and-forth. It’s an exhausting and exciting time – sometimes it’s better for the kids to just know that this year is Mom and next year is Dad. I practiced this myself after the first year I was divorced -- my kids had Christmas morning with me, then had to get showered and dressed to leave for Christmas at their father’s. They hated it – and we never did that to them again. To this day (they are in their 30s with kids of their own), if we cannot be together on Christmas, then we do “fake Christmas” on a day in January when we can all be together.
Step parenting sucks. But do the best you can to be a supportive step-parent. Don’t overstep your role; be supportive and encourage your partner/the parent to stay focused on the kids. I get frustrated when I see step parents creating friction rather than minimizing it. Do not complain to your spouse that you cannot have the holiday you wanted (or complain about the ex) – you married that spouse, knowing there were children. Help your partner be a better parent – and do not make things harder on them. Like I said, step parenting sucks. Again, my personal story is that in my second marriage, in which I was a step parent to children, who were torn between their parents on the holidays – I convinced my husband to invite his ex-wife to our holiday parties. And she came. Did I enjoy it? Not one f***ing bit. But did it relieve the children of their worry that mom might miss them on Christmas? Yes.
There is a mantra that all blended families should live by: focus on the children; focus on the children; focus on the children. The holidays can be fun – but they might not be the fun you wanted, planned, or dreamed about. You might have to reconsider alternative plans; think about new ways to do things; celebrate on different days. Some families can really blend and invite both parent and steps – others cannot do that in a healthy and productive way. Figure out the best thing you can do for the children – and do that.